I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
