i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
