Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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