I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
