i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
