The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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