no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
