my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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