The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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