I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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