the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
