i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
