alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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