I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
