The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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