I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
