Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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