Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
