a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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