So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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