sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
