We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
