I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
