so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
