I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
