Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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