you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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