i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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