And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
