I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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