Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
