Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize