They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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