We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just cropdusted the office
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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