I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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