thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
party gras won. party gras always wins.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
