fuck your aforementioned shoe
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
