I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
