wanna go halves on a baby?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
