My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
