I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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