If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
