so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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