You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
