If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
