Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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