She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
