When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
