stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
