that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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