this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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