How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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