Pregnant stripper...not hot.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
